"What If Jurassic World Was Good"
"Keeper of Stories, King of Tales"
"Train: History's Greatest Villains?"
"How to be Krishna 1"
"How to be Krishna 2"
"How to be Krishna 3"
"How to be Krishna 4"
"I Hate The Disney Vault"
"Amazon Is Crazy"

Train: History's Greatest Villains?

Let's take a minute here to discuss Train, and specifically their magnum poopus, "Drops of Jupiter". I'm not a guy who cares a whole bunch about music. I like some, I don't like some, but generally I only have as much of an opinion as the conversation requires. I'm mostly indifferent... or so I thought.

I always knew that Train was lame. I thought they were bland but innocuous, like most music. That changed recently, when being in a karaoke bar resulted in me the lyrics being put in put on a big screen. Now, a song can have stupid, nonsensical lyrics and still be a good song. Parliament's "Flash Light", for example. What are they talking about? Who cares. But when you combine a bland, stupid melody with even more stupid, incoherent, nonsensical lyrics you have a special kind of suck. Nothing interesting happens in the song. It is one of the purest wastes of time I've ever encountered.

Let's talk about these lyrics.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June
Apparently Train Guy was inspired to write this song by the death of his mother. I guess when you die, you go to space? Whatever. But what's all this about returning from her stay on the moon? Maybe dead people are on the moon, but they don't come back. That's not how dying works, even if "heaven is overrated", like he later claims. At least "heaven is overrated" communicates an idea that is understandable, if stupid. How do you act like summer? How do you walk like rain? How do you listen like spring? I guess you could talk like June, like June Cleaver or something. She probably lives on the moon, I guess.
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
What? The song is just asking nonsensical questions that invoke nonsensical imagery, with no clear relation between any line and the next. And then he drops this bomb:
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?
Are you implying that we're best friends, Train Guy? WE ARE NOT BEST FRIENDS. I HATE YOU.

Anyway, maybe there's some reason for all this idiotic space imagery. Maybe they just wanted to make a really cool video with a bunch of space stuff. Maybe the video will redeem this crap bucket of a song. No such luck. The video starts with Train Guy on stage by himself. He starts singing and looking like this: ugh His band and all-woman string section start setting up. I'll admit, I was excited about the string section. They aren't really Babezillas or anything but I'd much rather look at them than him.
Of course, they only get a few quick shots. The valuable screen time is saved for stuff like this
super ugh
and this
ultra ugh
Mid-way through the song, people start coming in and sit on the floor.
nothing better to do?
That's it. The band plays the song, some people listen. No space, no best soy latte, nothing. There is no reason for this song. I hate Train.

Train images ©Train or someone associated with Train or Vevo, whoever they are, I don't really know or care

Home | About | Animations | Doodles | Notes | Links | Chefsassin!

© 2003-2014 Krishna Veeraraghavan.
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.