"What If Jurassic World Was Good"
"Keeper of Stories, King of Tales"
"Train: History's Greatest Villains?"
"How to be Krishna 1"
"How to be Krishna 2"
"How to be Krishna 3"
"How to be Krishna 4"
"I Hate The Disney Vault"
"Amazon Is Crazy"

How to be Krishna, Part 3: Impressions

So, you want to be like the Krishna. Completely understandable, most people do. But listen up, rookie: if you think that all it takes is growing some sideburns and combing your hair into a pompadour, you're in for a rude awakening. There is so much more to it than that. But don't sweat it. The K-Man himself is here to help.
Now, you're probably wondering right now, "Can I really learn to be like Krishna?" Well, yes and no. Some things can't be taught or acquired. You can't take a course in the Krishna Mystique. You can't buy a box of "K-Man brand Je Ne Sais Quoi" at the store. But some elements can be replicated, and in this on going series, I'll clue in on some of them. The third lesson is Krishna's astoundingly accurate impressions.
An underrated but key aspect of being Krishna is the impressions. Without the uncanny ability to perfectly imitate those around you, your Krishnaing is sure to fall flat. I know what you're thinking - the purpose of this series for you to imitate me and now I'm tell you that to do that, you need to imitate other people. You probably go on to think "Even accepting that this is necessary, Krishna's impressions are so accurate and true to life, how can I ever hope to emulate that?" Friend, if being me was easy, everyone would be doing it. But amazingly, my impressions actually only hinge on a couple of techniques that you might be able to learn. Or maybe not. But let's try, god damn it.
Think about the last person you talked to. Start with their voice. Do they have an accent? Well, don't bother using that in the impression. It's only going to bring attention to the fact that you don't have the accent. Just use your normal accent. Now think about the pitch. Also ignore that. Just use a comically high or low pitch. The impression will seem more cutting and incisive that way. If you want to kick it to edgy use a high pitched voice for men and low pitched one for women. That'll throw 'em for a loop!
Now think about any unique mannerisms they have. Probably none, right? If you're imitating some freakshow with identifiable tics, by all means, throw them in there. For most people, you'll have to improvise. I recommend waving your arms. The subtle implication is that the subject is a spaz.
Don't worry. I'm not trying to throw you off the impression trail here. The next step is the key, the secret to a great impression: either the first or second phrase of the impression should be "I'm <subject>" (The one thing allowed to precede that is "Look at me"). Boom. Now go on to say what you have to say. Maybe you'll exaggerate something they actually said. Maybe you'll say the opposite of what they think. Maybe you'll invent something out of whole cloth. In this moment, you are them, their identity is yours, and you can do what you want with it.
The only weakness of this method is that it can't accurately simulate Krishna. That takes years of dedication, intense practice, and several more articles in this series. Look forward to future installments of How to be Krishna!

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